I woke up in the middle of the night last night. It could have been 2 a.m., could have been 5 a.m., I have no clue. This happens a lot, so I wasn’t too worked up about it. I laid there for a while, thinking about stuff. Then I started to hear the subtlest high pitch noise. I tried to strain my hearing, which consisted mostly of me extending my neck a bit and turning my head to the side. My hearing is pretty shit, but I swear I could make out sexy noises. This is odd because the trinities in my courtyard and the attached apartment building seem to be inhabited largely by asexual neckbeards and their female counterparts.
The noise dropped off for a second and I started to do some quick math in my head. The equation looked something like this:
[Shame of Pleasuring Oneself to Neighbor's Sexy Time²]XValue of Entertaining Story Later X Normal Personal Mastubatory Shame = Fuck It, What Else Have I Got to do Right Now
The noise came back. I slowed my breathing and tried really hard to hear. I’d almost convinced myself that these were definitely sexy noises. The noises were so soft, but they could definitely be a woman in the throes of passion. Maybe. I listened harder, trying to separate a moan or howl from the ambient noise and traffic outside. The noise hitched a bit, got a little louder, some sort of crescendo? I was waiting for some dirty talk, some definitive proof that my neighbors were definitely getting it on. Then the noise sneezed, shifted its fat body and cooed out a soft purr. In short, I was about 45 seconds away from pleasuring myself to my overweight cat’s wheezing.