You can trace almost every epically retarded decision I’ve ever made back to one thing: vagina. If I’m doing something stupid, I can almost guarantee there’s a girl involved somehow.
It was a girl’s fault that I walked around looking like a gay dood for two weeks. Now, I’m not the most manly of men to begin with. I’m pretty sure I’d fall on the twink side of the spectrum if I were actually gay. A bear I am not. Add to that the fact that I love clothes and can chat about trends and designers, and it’s pretty easy to see why I’ve had my fair share of attention from the boys. I’m comfortable enough in my sexuality to be flattered…hell I even take it as a compliment. I’d rather a gay guy think I’m on his team because I’m dressed well than be some clueless lout stomping around in horrible dad jeans and bad sweaters. But, having said all that, I’m also a proud member of team breeder. Which is why pretty much everyone was confused for the two weeks after I got my eyebrows waxed.
You see, perfectly manicured eyebrows are one of the key indicators that will start firing off blips on the gaydar. I didn’t realize it myself until my own brows were trimmed into perfect stripes. Pay attention to it, though. It’s one of those things that once you finally see, you can’t stop seeing.
Of course, none of this was my idea. The girl I was seeing at the time insisted on the procedure. She dragged me into a nail salon and had a good laugh as I squirmed under the wax, trying not to let on how excruciating it was. She, at least, had the common decency to pay for it. I guess it wouldn’t have been so bad, if she didn’t live in the gayborhood. Walking back to her place, pretty much every guy we passed gave me the nod and scowled at her.
My eyebrows eventually returned to a hetero-level of bushiness before I started exploring my secret leather daddy fantasies. I’m not gonna lie and say I’ll never have another cosmetic procedure (I mean seriously, have you had a chemical peel? They make your skin look like a baby’s ass). But, I’m definitely gonna steer clear of eyebrow grooming in the future.